I came across this post on Cup of Jo, and it just about hit the nail on the head with the thoughts that run through my mind from time to time. YAY I'm not alone, I'm not a crazy person!
Seriously though, I find myself thinking a lot lately about death and losing the people I love, even when they're sitting right in front of me. With my grandmother passing from cancer last year, and with the father of some of my closest friends unexpectedly passing this summer as well. My thoughts swirl around people being gone even when they are still here, even when they are right in front of me.
I've been so lucky in my life to have not known much loss or pain. And sometimes it makes me panicked that I have it too good, that I'm too lucky. Like I'm waiting for the ball to drop. The more love that I'm surrounded by in my life, the more I am scared of it being taken away from me. Maybe it's just a symptom of getting older and more "realistic" as well, realizing that I'm not forever young and immortal, my life not untouchable and immune to anything bad ever happening. I think it's also a part of now sharing my life so completely with another person, there's this dependency and interconnectivity that I couldn't even begin to imagine not being there.
I feel like I worry more about the shortness of time, the fleeting moments, of getting older and everyone around me getting older. I worry that every second could be the last. I worry about the unexpected, about getting that most horrible of phone calls. If Rob doesn’t answer a text or a phone call, my thought process doesn’t jump to him being busy, it jumps to him being dead in a ditch somewhere. Every little lump or bump or bodily oddity is cancer.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessed or consumed with these thoughts. It doesn't prevent me from having fun, from laughing, from being over the moon happy to live and love to the fullest. I've just always naturally been a worry wart. When I lived at home, I couldn't fall asleep at night until I knew everyone was home too, safe in their beds. I even worry that I will be a worrier of a mother one day, always checking to see if my child is still breathing, like a crazy lady! Neurotic much?!
But I'm trying to not worry about such things too much or too often, things that are beyond my control, to just BE in every moment, without sometimes wondering when all those moments can end, because that’s not enjoying them, not enjoying life. But if I do have those mortality musings, I'll just smile and be more appreciative of every little thing, annoyances and crappery of life included.
Because I want to live a full life, a life lived on the edge of a forever of moments to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment