So I started reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin sometime shortly after the Christmas holidays. Now, I am quite the read-aholic and for it to take me in and around 3-4 months to read a book, means it ain't catching on with me whatsoever. If I'm digging a book, I am raping that book with my eyes every possible second of every possible day that is possible!
With this book, I'm dragging, lagging, through the mud, up the hill, can't quite get to the light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel. That being said, it is not a HORRIBLE book by any means (it was a New York Times bestseller after all), it's just not my cup of tea. It's a memoir, which is usually a genre I'm in to, but it justs feels so incredibly full of common sense mumbo jumbo. The book is about the author's year-long "experiment" to find happiness, or rather find a happier her through researching all kinds of different viewpoints on happiness, from intellectual academic references to pop culture ones. So she divides up the 12 months of the year into different categories/areas to work on, with resolutions to follow, and staying true to her 12 personal commandments and her 4 splendid truths. And I just felt like when I was reading it, I was perpetually mentally rolling my eyes and thinking "WELL DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH".
Anyway, I finally finished the beast, and let's just say I'm eager to be on to the next one.
There were, however, some ideas/excerpts that I found interesting:
- FIGHT RIGHT
"Fighting style is very important to the health of a marriage; Gottman's 'love laboratory' research shows that how a couple fights matters more than how much they fight. Couples who fight right tackle only one difficult topic at a time, instead of indulging in arguments that cover every grievance since the first date. These couples ease into arguments instead of blowing up immediately - and avoid bombs such as 'You never...' and 'You always...' They know how to bring an argument to an end, instead of keeping it going for hours. They make 'repair attempts' by using words or actions to keep bad feelings from escalating."
I think this a totally valid concept and something that my hubby and I (generally) stick to or strive towards. Whenever we argue or disagree or get upset (which is thankfully not that often), we try right away to end the argument and not be angry or upset, in other words we make those repair attempts. We are not combative people by nature, but nor are we passive pushovers either. We just both collectively prefer not to ruminate on negative energy and try to feel the love, we share a willingness to forgive and move on and move forward . . . the whole cliché of "Don't go to bed angry" is deservingly a cliché because it's so very true. We don't want no drama.
- ENJOY NOW - "The days are long but the years are short"
"In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar describes the 'arrival fallacy', the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you'll be happy. The arrival fallacy is a fallacy because, though you may anticipate great happiness in arrival, arriving rarely makes you as happy as you anticipate. First of all, by the time you've arrived at your destination, you're expecting to reach it, so it has already been incorporated into your happiness. Also, arrival often brings more work and responsibility. It's rare to achieve something that brings unadulterated pleasure without added concerns. Having a baby. Getting a promotion. Buying a house. You look forward to reaching these destinations, but once you've reached them, they bring emotions other than sheer happiness. The challenge, therefore, is to take pleasure in the 'atmosphere of growth', in the gradual progress made toward a goal, in the present. When I find myself focusing overmuch on the anticipated future happiness of arriving at a certain goal, I remind myself to 'Enjoy now'. If I can enjoy the present, I don't need to count on the happiness that is (or isn't) waiting for me in the future. The fun part doesn't come later, now is the fun part."
"A common theme in religion and philosophy, is the admonition to live fully and thankfully in the present. So often, it's only after some calamity strikes that we appreciate what we had. 'There are times in the lives of most of us,' observed William Edward Hartpole Lecky, 'when we would have given all the world to be as we were but yesterday, though that yesterday had passed over us unappreciated and unenjoyed.' "
This struck me because this is me to a T. I am always thinking about the "what comes next" in life and how exciting and wonderful it will be. I forget that right now is exciting and wonderful, that day-to-day and even boring can be so simply wonderful as well. Life is not always about the big events and the things you count down to, it's in the little moments, in the cold rainy windy days like today curled up with a book or watching an old movie, in a short sweet phone call, in a family dinner, on the walk from the parking lot at work on a sunny day. I need to relish the simple pleasures and not just the grandiose events and milestones. When Rob and I were dating, I dreamt about being engaged, when we were engaged I dreamt about being married, etc. I'm always thinking about that future state of exciting wonderfulness. Now I am in one of those future states, and while it is that anticipated blend of excitingly wonderful and I am happy, it's not always sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows and lalalas. So I try to take a step back and appreciate the now of a moment, good and not so good, and know that either way it is fleeting. I want to enjoy the befores and the afters, and the durings. I try to remember that while it might feel like an endless cold dreary winter, before you know it, it's over and you're months from where you were and those events or milestones you were looking forward to are over and you're just there and it's just you and the in between. I want to appreciate and make the most of all the in betweens, the right now.
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And that, as they say, is that.
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